Friday, April 19, 2013

The scream heard across the farm

In addition to being meticulous, organized, and focused, the other reason I have my sister in law Cindy with me when cleaning the out buildings is the same reason I had her with me in the attic. Cindy protects me.

I don't like mice and snakes. 

Even more than I don't like spiders and stinkbugs.

I told Cindy today, that the workshop freaked me out more than the attic. It was the place I first heard about Slick.

When I first met Ghon's father, he was working in the workshop, and told me all about his friend Slick, a black snake that listened to him.  I promptly went inside and met Ghon's stepmom.

We've been going to the farm for years, especially in the past 3 years. We would spend all day there, and fortunately, I never met Slick. 'Cause apparently, he's still around. My inlaws have seen him, and they would say weird things when I'd get there like "oh, you're a few minutes late, Slick was just here."  No, I am absolutely on time and not sorry I missed him.

Confession: I heard that Slick was spotted multiple times near the front porch and on the side of the house by the hose. I look for that stupid snake EVERY time I walk up those steps and turn that hose on. I don't care if there is a foot of snow on the ground. I look for that snake.

I don't like snakes.

You know where this is going don't you?

I saw a freaking snake.

I saw a freaking snake, and I screamed.

I saw a freaking snake, and I screamed. And I screamed some more.

And yeah, I might have screamed some more. And shook. And did a jig. And cried.

Because I saw a snake.

Yeah, it was raining, and I know it's blurry. I'd already run from it and the crazies are all like "get a picture." Hard to stand still when you are scared out of your mind and a monsoon is blowing in.

Cindy had to leave to use the bathroom. (Note to self, buy her some Depends so she never leaves again.) I kept working, using a stick to pull trash out of a desk, cause you know I'm not sticking my hand in there. She comes back and says "whoah" which of course makes me look out the door and there it is. Big ol' snake. Outside, but right at the door. First was an OMG, then a small scream, then a series of screams and "GHON!!!! GET IT!!!!"  I think I heard Cindy yell for Ghon because I was freaking out. In addition to the screaming, I was doing a little dance. I think I heard something about it being a harmless black snake, and oh, he eats mice. 

After an eternity, it finally moved (OK, a minute or so). I ran out of the building and down the hill. The rain was pouring and I didn't care. I ran. I heard laughter behind me. Then Ghon decides to try to pick it up. OMG, WHAT THE HELL???? It struck out at him, and Ghon says, "Oh, he's angry." 

What was that about black snakes being harmless? Black snakes aren't supposed to strike at you. I thought black snakes are oh so nice. Bull. I don't believe it. I remind them that the devil first appeared in the form of a snake. Snakes are evil.

So if you remember my song about spiders being "creepy and crawly and they have too many legs"? I told Ghon that I don't like snakes because they are creepy and crawly and they DON'T have legs. How is that possible? How is that right?

I hate snakes.

It's coming to get me. And no, I didn't take that picture. It was on zoom and the camera in Cindy's hands.

Ghon wanted to stretch it out. He said it was 5ft long. Cindy thinks it was closer to 6ft.
I was about 15 feet away and not counting.
I married an idiot. It's a snake. You already said it's angry! Why are you bothering it???
I needed consoliation or a machete, and no, he plays with it with a cane.
Ok, he did give me a hug, but laughed the entire time.

I still shudder when I think about it. And now, I'm reliving it and looking at these pictures. bwuggaa. Ghon had the nerve to say that this snake was not Slick. And that Slick is bigger. Slick needs to find a new home. This guy needs a new home.

Needless to say, I was done in the workshop. Cindy thinks maybe we disturbed him working in the shop. She's going to expect me to go back in there tomorrow.

I just might die.

I am going to be worried about that snake coming back out. Coming near me. Going near my kids. I told them about it today when I picked them up. Told them that when I saw it, I was a good girl and screamed for Daddy, didn't touch it and ran to an adult, just like we've told them to do. Scream, don't touch it, run.

Repeat after me. Scream, don't touch it, run.

I hate snakes.

Tonight, I mentioned that I was going to end up dreaming about it. Cindy laughed and said, I wouldn't. Ghon said, no, she will. Ghon said as soon as he heard my scream, he knew there was a snake. They reminded me that snakes are good. They eat mice. I reminded them that the house still has mice and that meant the snake was not doing his job and needed to go.

They keep laughing at me.

That's OK. I'll keep screaming at them. I mean at the snake. Or, just scream. 'Cause no matter where on the farm you are, you are going to hear it.

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