Which sounded just like his father.
He at first told me how he was going to keep the prize money. Then it was OK, a little in the bank, and a lot to spend. But a few days after, he said he was upset that he didn't win because he wanted the ski package, but, the cash that came with it, he really wanted to donate. When I asked him where, he said to kids who needed heart surgeries but couldn't afford them, and got a little choked up.
Later, I was able to piece it together. He thought Ghon died because of his heart problems. I didn't go into details with Jonathan, but told him Ghon had died after his heart was tired and stopped working. He knew about Dad's heart surgeries. He was looking to help others like his dad.
I'm not sure why I chose tonight, but perhaps because today marks 12 weeks since Ghon died. I asked Jonathan if he had questions about how Daddy died, and he said YES. We sat on our mudroom floor, as it was where we were and convenient, and talked.
What do you want to know?
Everything. Tell me everything you know.
When was the last time that week I saw him? When was his surgery?
Surgery for his hernia was on Monday. He took you to breakfast Friday, you all picked me up from work that night, and we went to dinner together. That was the last time. He died Saturday.
And so it continued. We discussed a rough evening timeline. What it meant when Mommy said "revive" on the phone. That he did die earlier in the day, but the doctors brought him back to life. That I agreed to give him blood (well, yea mom, why wouldn't you have?), to do another test (duh!), and that I rubbed his head (it was bald mom), and held his hand when he died. That no, he wasn't in pain, he couldn't talk and that the heart beats to push blood around the body and the body needs oxygen that is in the blood and the brain needs oxygen and daddy's brain didn't have oxygen for a long time and that... well that would make his organs not want to work, and yes, it would take his sarcasm away. And Daddy would never want that.
Oh, and where is his body? Where is the dust? The burned him? NO, it's not quite like that and yes, he's here in the house. Remember when mommy told you that this was Daddy's tattoo, Daddy is in the tattoo. You can always give Daddy another kiss. I do.
As I suspected, he now wants a tattoo with Daddy's ashes. Then Genevieve said she did too. I'll be hanging on to some of those cremains for a while.
Jonathan wants a portrait of Ghon, and a replica of the bomber plane he had on his back on him.
Genevieve isn't sure yet, and Jonathan thinks that I should get a portrait too. I'm down for a family matching tattoo.
Near the end of the story of the last day of daddy's life, I began crying. And I thought he was too, but wasn't sure. He was in my lap, facing out. Eventually, I did see the tears, and he mine. I have no fear in letting them see me cry. They need to know that it is perfectly fine to mourn and to cry. As Jonathan looked at the mascara running down my face, he asked, "what's that black stuff on your face? Is that dad's ashes?" No, no, no, just makeup my little man.
|Handsome man with his new haircut. He told the stylist he wanted "Anakin Skywalker" hair.|
We ended our talk with a reminder, that he could always ask me questions, whenever he wanted.
I hadn't expected the ashes and tattoo talk so soon, but knew it would come sooner or later. He's such a smart kid, I knew he had to have questions about what exactly happened. And I will always do my best to answer them as truthfully and honestly as possible for an 8year old.
In case you missed it, or happen to read this blog and do not follow me on Facebook, I'm taking part in a research study. The focus is on people 40 and under that lose a spouse. It's termed "early onset" and they will be studying what type help is needed to best address help a window(er) from this type of loss.
On the house front, things are almost done! How exciting is that? It's really down to some details now. This week should bring the end of nightly construction. The final pieces of trim work and some grouting of tile in the mudroom should be done. I'm hoping by the end of the week, I can put away all the tools, at least away somewhere until I'm ready for them to be in a more permanent tool spot in the house. The last bit of construction to do after is doing something with the living room stairs, rather, the space underneath. I'm contemplating drawers. Or shelves. Or a dog kennel with a couple shelves above it. Just not sure yet.
We had a friend visit Friday, and she brought along a butterfly bush for us. I'm excited to get that planted this weekend. I'd wanted one, and now I have one. I want a snowball bush next spring too.
There's still a good bit of stuff to move from my dad's house, and I mean stuff more than furniture. Stuff. Ugg.
Until next time, got questions? Something burning your head? I've got answers. Ready, set, go.