Be More Patient

A couple weeks ago, I was giving consideration to a year in review post, but I never sat down to do it. Then it occurred to me about a week ago that I haven't posted anything in while. As I thought about it, I realized that most of my posts happen when I'm in a particularly emotional spot, and it's not always a good one.

Welcome to today's post.

A year ago, I shared my thoughts on celebrity death and how reactions to these deaths compared to my grief process as related to Ghon. It seemed to resonate with a lot of people, getting plenty of comments here and on my Facebook page. Today though, it wasn't so much my post alone, but that a friend of mine had shared the post last year and quoted the following line:

With every end, there is a new beginning. As with every death; an end - there is life; a beginning. 

With every end, there is a new beginning. How fitting for a post at the end of the year?

2017 brought an end to the year of "firsts" in respect to grief and ushered in the year of seconds. And seconds can be just as bad, if not worse than firsts. The support isn't the same. People don't ask how you are doing or are maybe afraid to ask. Anniversaries and holidays come - and go - that doesn't change. Some were a little easier, some things sucked just as much, if not more than year one.

This time of year is hard. In six weeks, I get to deal with Ghon's birthday, Christmas, New Year's and my birthday. It's hard because these are things I always liked and Ghon always hated. OK, maybe he didn't hate drinking on NYE but I wasn't something I was into. He hated fanfare of birthdays, and I liked making a big deal of them. He was a self proclaimed horrible shopper for my birthday, some years forgetting it completely. He hated Christmas, ever since the holiday changed for him after his mom's death as a child. Christmas was exciting for me, even more so with kids, and not just from a Santa perspective, because he doesn't do much here. It's about the birth of Jesus and giving for me, and that's what I teach the kids.

It may sound like Ghon's feelings would make getting through the birthdays and holidays easier. In some ways, it does; but in others, it's harder. There is still a void even if it's a void of a negative energy. I try to fill it with positive energy, but there are still moments I get down. Despite living in a fictional world where I am Wonder Woman, I am but a mere mortal with overwhelming emotions.

This holiday season, the kids and I did less, but in many ways did more. Our decorations were minimal, the number of holiday themed activities we did greatly decreased, and we has less visitors. These changes are largely OK; perhaps I crammed too much in last year so that we couldn't think about the Ghon's death. Jonathan and Genevieve have grown so much in the past year - I let them help make the decisions on what we did and when. I gave them the chance to think about the impact of their choices and letting them lead the way on when to relax and when to go out.

Yet, we did more. We spent a little more time together. We spent more time giving to others. We remembered that the holidays are not about what you get, but what you give, especially to those without or those without expectation. We made new traditions and carried out or modified old. Never in my life would I think I'd be at the movie theater on Christmas Day - but this year, I was.

Life is about taking chances and making memories. Take the trip, eat the cake. No Ragrets!

2017 In Review

• Secured a mortgage in my name
• Drove to Connecticut so the kids could compete in a chili cook-off
• Watched my step-son get married
• Bought a car on my own
• Vacationed with the kids in New York City and a quick trip into Boston - and a LONG ride home.
• Had a one year memorial service for Ghon
• Re-homed our goats
• Saw more movies in the theater than probably the last 5 years combined
• Became a pig landlord
• Visited the White House for the Spring Garden Tour and two months later, toured the inside
• Went to at least eight concerts; seeing NKOTB, Paula Abdul, Boyz II Men, Volbeat, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, Andy Grammer, The Perceptionists, Janet Jackson, Taylor Swift, The Chainsmokers, Liam Payne, Demi Lovato, Fall Out Boy, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Nial Horan and so many more... some with the kids, some with friends, and some all on my own.
• Got four new tattoos by 3 different artists in 3 states
• Had my first month long work deployment experience
• Made several new friends
• Took the kids to Reno, NV to compete in the ICS World Championship Chili Cook-off
• Did some serious Black Friday shopping for the first time in years
• Broke my cell phone; and its replacement within a week
• Shared my first ever bottle of wine with a friend
• Pulled off a surprise of damn-near epic proportions, to me at least
• Joined an exercise program I loved; left it to make schedule changes better for the kids, and joined a gym
• Donated a ton of stuff - PURGE!
• Watched fireworks in pure bliss
• Saw Kinky Boots on Broadway
• Crocheted again for the first time in years
• Read a few books
• Took a solo trip to NYC
• Walked the Brooklyn Bridge
• Hiked alone in Yosemite National Park
• Drank and listened to music at the Bucket of Blood Saloon (Virginia City, NV)
• Spread part of Ghon's ashes.
• Realized how much I need sunlight and the energy of a city

and I cried. Sometimes more than I like to admit. Sometimes for what seems like ridiculous reasons. Sometimes for what ended up being for no good reason at all. Sometimes because I could feel someone else's pain. Sometimes a movie or line in a book hit a nerve I didn't realize was weak. Sometimes, I had no idea why. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes while exercising, sometimes in my cubicle at work, sometimes after I said goodbye, sometimes as I went to sleep at night. And a few times, they were tears of joy. I'm looking forward to more of those tears.

With every end, there is a new beginning. 

This post started two days ago when I was feeling alittle down. Now, it's New Year's Day and I'm feeling OK. Perhaps even hopeful? At a minimum, I'm not really feeling down. Just spending the day cleaning up around the house, relaxing, writing, listening to music, and letting the kids rot their minds with video games. At least they are working on sharing and taking turns. 

I'm looking at possibly returning to school and am already working toward earning new certifications at work.  I'm going to continue to do more of what makes me happy. My mantra has become if it doesn't hurt me, the kids, or my bank account, I'm doing it. I've started by buying tickets to 3 different concerts. I'd love to be able to see one show a month. I'll start planning summer vacation soon - it's going to be a big trip. I will color more. I will forgive myself more. I will make less excuses. I have to get comfortable with down time - I am on the go too much.

I will continue to be positive; the light when others are in darkness; and allow myself to experience the dark - but not dwell in it. 

How fitting, that as I end this post, with the last image already chosen, I hear the following lyrics playing in the background...

If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
So, won't you ride with me, ride with me?
See where this thing goes
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, if it's meant to be

Life will happen. The things that are meant to be, will be. I will live; I will learn; I will fail and I will succeed. I will be the light, I will feel the dark. But I won't get any of it if I I don't believe and be patient. As I shared with a friend recently, I know I was made for more; to do more, be more, give more. To be loved more. I just have to do some work, be me, and be more patient.

My beginning isn't defined by the year, but with every chance I take. And I'm looking forward to taking more chances this year.  Anyone want to join me on the ride? Don't be afraid to find your beginning. Live your life, make your happy happen.