Control of My Happy - Part Two

I was feeling a bit meh off and on the last few days, wondering if men and relationships are really worth all the fuss.

Of course they are. I spent 21 years with Ghon didn't I? For those that knew him, that was work.

I've been talking to a couple (remember folks, couple means two), guys and I have really enjoyed getting to know both and creating new friendships. Friendships people, not relationships. But one, well, one sort of derailed unexpectedly recently and not knowing why eats at me. While I have a little hope that our friendship isn't over, I'm more fearful that it is. I've felt a little lost without our normal conversation and on some days, any conversation. I had a few days of something short of anger and hurt, followed by denial, then, I was OK, then I was back to feeling this stabbing pain in my chest. Or maybe it was my heart being ripped from my chest. Cause you see, even though we weren't in a relationship, we were pretty damn close friends, or at least I thought. We talked (as in texted) daily. Then to suddenly go to nothing? I can't help but wonder what I did wrong - even though I may not have done a thing wrong! And as much as I will miss our bantering, the walking away was his choice, and that's OK. But not knowing why it happened kills me.

I'm a woman that needs truth and clarity in my life. I'm in my early forties and have two kids, I don't have time or patience for games.

As for the other gentleman, things are great. We have even better conversations and this time, I mean we actually use our voice. Let me tell ya, there's a whole lot less room for misinterpretation when you can hear sarcasm, as I have yet to find a sarcasm font. I catch myself smiling when the phone rings, and smiling again after our conversation ends. I appreciate his work ethic, his dedication to family and culture, and have mad respect for his profession. This guy is solid.

I was on my way to pick up the kids, further bumming that I was going to miss Jonathan's first baseball game of the season but excited to attend Genevieve's chorus program, when I looked down and saw rainbows dancing on my hand.  I saw my reminder to believe...in everything I choose. And I saw my little reminder that I'm a freaking wonder woman.

Do ya see the little rainbow??

My mind shift started at that moment. I had a little relapse a couple days later, got a little upset and had to hit up my Boo (thank you, Boo!!) for a little whine session, and am getting back on track. And Lord does the sunshine (FINALLY) help that too.

In that moment, seeing rainbows dance on tattoo reminders of who the hell I am and what drives me, my mind improved. As I always preach to my kids... you are allowed to feel every emotion, it's how you choose to respond that matters. I reminded myself that I am in charge of my happy. I do what makes ME happy. I do not have to rely on others to make me happy. Likewise, others do not have the power to make me sad! Not only am I in charge of that happy, I have plenty of reasons to be happy.

I have so much to be grateful for and I know it. I start each day thanking God for my blessings. If I ever forget, like when I'm blah, once I come back to that simple task, being mindful and thankful, everything comes back into perspective. I'm thankful for a few other close friends who have let me have my "WTF? What just happened here? What did I do?"  moment, then flip to the giddy "But things over here with this friend, yea, they are good!" (Insert that goofy smile.) I'm thankful that they, all being married women, are still willing to listen to my own mini version of the dating game. I'm a personal soap opera.

Earlier in that day, a friend shared with me that she'd been recently reading my blog and that it gave her new perspective on living her life. That is powerful! I am honored that my ramblings inspire others to live their best life and control their happy.

The next day, I was notified that the cost of the rest of my graduate certificate program would be paid for. (I don't think I mentioned that - yes, I'm insane and taking 6 grad courses this year!) In exchange for knowledge sharing and a promise not to run away and leave, my employer is paying for the entire program. I'm grateful, especially considering last month I finally paid off my college debt! HELL YES!

The other cool thing about my job? I like it. The work I do is appreciated and makes me want to do more, be more, do better. Yesterday, a team I worked with on a special project received an award from the FEMA Administrator. I'm amazed to be recognized for doing my job - and to be recognized with my co-workers and friends is even better. And then, well, I asked the Administrator if we could selfie. This guy is amazing.

Part of our project team!

Administrator Long with some of my amazing coworkers

Following the awards, I ate Georgetown cupcakes for the first time. That's a reason to be happy, right?

I didn't eat all of these. I thought about it, but no, I didn't eat them all.

After awards and after cupcakes, I was able to get a little Mom/Girl's night out with friends. Time to shake off some remaining blues and rejoice with friends and music. And nearly lose my voice from shouting over the music. I'm blessed.

Mind shift. Be grateful. Be thankful. Remember the good in life. You will receive in abundance.

Will every man be the right one for me? Nope. Does it matter if I'm not the right woman for every man I meet? Nope. (This is where I have to control myself and not list all of my perceived faults. I'm good, damn good, but I know I'm not perfect!)

Paths cross for a reason. Maybe each new friendship I make is for a particular reason, and we just have to ride it out to find that purpose. Some may last a short time, some may last a version of forever.  Friendships in and of themselves are powerful and valuable.

While staying true to who I am, I allow myself room to grow and learn from these friendships or any experience for that matter. Each person I encounter, each friendship I engage in or relationship I consider, has taught me something. I've observed friends' new and old relationships and had moments where I thought, wow, that's what I want to feel. I've been able to identify traits or behaviors in men that I admire or appreciate and want to experience more of. I've seen chivalry along the spectrum, and now have an idea of how much I would like to see or experience someone I might want to be with.  I've identified traits that might be tolerable in a friend but not in a partner. I've felt respect and mild levels of disrespect. I've felt appreciated. I've felt undervalued. One day perhaps, I'll feel loved again.

I wonder why each time I read those last three lines, I feel physical pain in my heart and a tear form in my eye. I'm such an emotional person sometimes. 

My quote of the week at work: Forget the things that hurt you in the past, but don't forget what you learned. These lessons are priceless.

There will be a time when it all comes together. The right paths will cross, if they haven't already. The signs will light up, start pointing in an appropriate direction. Signs, like unanswered texts, might actually read "One Way" or "Dead End." Signs, like expressions of gratitude, may read "Proceed with Caution." Signs, like the days I can't wipe off the RBF, may read "Caution, Road Work Ahead" or possibly "Road May Flood." Signs, like explicit offers for casual sex from someone 18 years my junior, have me throw up my own sign that reads, "Road Closed."

If I see this one though, I better think quick as to who is hiding and who is getting hidden!

Until that time comes, I'll live my life. I'll be happy, grateful, thankful, and remember all that I've worked for, all that I've earned and all I still have to give. I will cherish the friendships I have, open myself to new ones, and remember those that are no more. I'll probably continue to overshare my life, forget what a filter is, and wear my emotions on my sleeve. I already wear one on my shoulder.

Bluebird of happiness on my shoulder!

 

I challenge you to control your happy. Never let anyone or anything take that from you. Know what makes your face and your heart smile. Then tell me, what do your signs say?

Family Tree

I've felt the need to write for a while now, but the topic has alluded me. All weekend, I should have been writing a paper for school or doing other homework. Instead, I've being cleaning around the house and a little in the yard since it was nice out. Spent some time with a friend, more time talking to another, playing with the kids, and cooking/dancing/singing around my kitchen. I did a little school work, but no writing. I have a paper due in two weeks. A little voice in the back of my mind kept saying "WRITE," but I knew it wasn't about acquisition and procurement policy.


Today is Easter. The kids woke, excited to find out what Mom stuffed in their baskets. I wanted to sleep, but Genevieve wasn't having it. I quickly gave in, we all rummaged our baskets (yes, I made myself one too), I made breakfast, then we were off to church. After worship, the kids participated in the annual egg hunt then I forced them to take pictures. Oh the horror of taking a picture!

Although still a little cool, temps in the upper 50s to low 60s feels pretty warm after being in the 30s and 40s. While I made a cake for dessert then prepped a ham for dinner, did my best kitchen karaoke (which may be getting better than car karaoke, but not as good as treadmill lip syncing), and cleaned up, the kids played outside. They wanted me to come play, and once I made it outside, I decided to take a walk, and they joined me.


Before I go any further, it was during kitchen karaoke that I knew I'd end up writing today. At the middle of the walk, I knew what it would be about. But after dinner, as the words started taking shape in my head, I realized I'd have to give a little backstory for any of this to make sense.


On December 7, 2017, the kids (and this includes the biggest, Eric) and I spread the majority of Ghon's cremains on our hill. On the hill, there is a chair that Ghon's Dad would sit in to hunt. Ghon had told me there were times after his father died, that he would just sit there and talk to his Dad. His place to get some quiet family time. He'd often leave a shotgun shell there in honor of his Dad. Not far behind this chair, was one of Ghon's tree stands. The last bow deer season, he'd left his bow in the tree, and it stays there now. I decided, with Eric's agreement, that this was the place Ghon should be. On his birthday, we climbed the hill and I carried Ghon up. I carried Ghon up the hill that he often joking called the widow maker because it was so steep. The widow maker. Hmmph.


I won't go into a ton of details, but for a scattering, it went OK. The four of us took turns, the kids climbed the tree stand and we watched the sun start to set. In typical Ghon fashion though, he was stubborn til the end. Perhaps there was a moisture issue, perhaps it's because we held onto the scattering tube for nearly 18 months, but Ghon got a little stuck. Yep, stuck in the tube. Eric and I kinda looked at each other and had to employ a few methods to get him unstuck. Last resort - I actually had to beat the tube against a tree. Yep, nothing like a somber occasion of spreading cremains to bring you back to the reality of the deceased's dogged determination and sense of humor like banging him against a tree. Once things broke loose, we headed back down the hill for what the kids have decided will be the traditional December 7th dinner, fried chicken.


Back to today. I hadn't really intended on going for a walk up the hill, but that's where I found myself. Kids in tow, we climbed the hill, finding fallen trees from our recent wind storms. I tried to quiet the kids down so they could hear the woodpecker that I heard. As we climbed Genevieve started asking where Daddy's tree was. Although we spread Ghon around the tree, the chair is the marker, and this they knew to look for. As we crest the first part of the hill and walked along, they spotted the chair and ran ahead.


Now we've had a little snow and a lot of rain in the last four months. I myself was wondering if we would actually see anything - knowing that in at least one spot, there was a considerable amount of cremains left. Sure enough, it was Genevieve that exclaimed - "there's Daddy!" and pointed down. Of course, she was right.


We investigated the tree and the holes that I assume had been bore by woodpeckers. One was considerably large, almost big enough that Genevieve could get her head into it. Fascination wore off quickly, and they ran off to argue about taking turns in the tree stand.


Earlier in the day, while they were playing and I was doing my thing in the kitchen, I had a wave of sorrow wash over me. Here it was, Easter, and it was just me and the kids. Another holiday, just the three of us. This time, it wasn't just that it was the three of us without Ghon, I started to think about how little family we have and how little we see those we have. I thought about how I knew they were going to gripe and complain about dinner and I wasn't sure why I was even bothering. I love to cook, but hate making a "decent" meal to have them complain and have a million leftovers that they won't eat. I thought briefly about my family traditions for Easter and how the kids won't have the same memories, or even similar. It's not to say they will have bad memories, they just won't have family memories. I felt my eyes welling up with tears, and stopped myself. No. We'd had a great day, even if it was just the three of us. A good weekend even, even if it was me fussing around the house and them playing, we were all here together and just being relaxed before baseball season kicks in and we get super busy again. No, I was not going to cry, because my memories were mine and while I'd love for the kids to have something similar, they are not living my life. They will have good memories, just not like mine.


I climbed that hill in shorts too short for me to be 100% comfortable in public, and an old hoodie that was Ghon's and often stole from him because it was big and comfy and I didn't mind if it got dirty, unlike MY hoodies. In other words, I climbed the hill in inappropriate clothing. I stood there and stared at what's left of Ghon. I squatted down, and stared. I almost dared myself - took a knee, and picked up a piece of what I'm pretty damn sure is Ghon, held it, and cried. I cried for the kids not having their Dad. I cried knowing this is the only way I was going to touch him again and wondering if I would ever experience love again. I cried as I thought again about how little family we had and how many of our friends were spending the day with their families; extended families. I thought about the book I am reading and the idea of a spirit tree, and it made me cry. I cried knowing that Ghon came here to seek counsel with his deceased father, and here I was, seeking some unknown counsel with him. I cried, because I've shed a few tears here and there for other reasons, but it had been a while since I'd cried related to Ghon and my family.


Jonathan could see me, still on one knee in front of the tree, from his vantage point in the tree stand. He yelled at me "What are ya doing Mom? Praying or something?"  Yes, praying or something is right. Something between the two or both. My crying was not a big messy, wailing from the top of the mountain. It was just enough to make my vision a little blurry and make me act like a total lady and wipe my running nose on the sleeve of my hoodie because I don't care if it gets dirty. And as I sit here, still wearing the hoodie and feeling the emotions again, wipe my nose again because I have to get the words out and don't want to go find and a tissue. Judge me. Call me gross. I don't care, I've been called worse. I have a washing machine.


As I knelt there, seeking guidance, I dropped Ghon from my hand and looked at the tree. This is now the family tree. Ghon came here to be with his Dad. I came to be with Ghon for a moment and the kids - they know the spot and suspect will do the same. We have a big family in some ways; yet so small in others. We'll seek refuge in a tree - and a tree stand.


Eventually I stand, knowing the timer is probably going off in the house and it's time to finish making a dinner the kids won't want to eat. We head down the hill, and Genevieve takes off ahead of Jonathan and I. As we are walking, I happen to look down and see the most beautiful feather I've ever seen here. Even Jonathan was impressed. I told him that sometimes, people believe that feathers are placed in our path as a gift or sign from a loved one that has died to let us know they are with us. He says like Daddy? Of course! He continues, and mentions his grandfather and grandmother. From there, he starts a conversation about how he only has one grandfather, and he's never known any other grandparents, and never had a grandmother.


How does this work? Is this not in someway exactly what I was fretting about earlier today? That my kids are growing up with out that family history? My Dad lives five minutes away and we don't see him much. Ghon's father and stepmom died while I was pregnant with Genevieve and Jonathan was 18months old. My kids do not know what it's like to be spoiled by a grandma, or two sets of grandparents. I grew up with just one grandmother, so I know it's not a horrible thing, but I too wondered what it would be like to have more grandparents. Of course they would too.


I don't say anything to Jonathan about it, but part of me immediately thought, well, maybe if Mom gets married again one day, you'll have a grandma. My mind jumped straight to what it would be like to be part of a big family. Wait, a big mostly happy family. But these are not promises I can make to my kids, nor to myself. I don't know what the future holds in that respect. But wouldn't it be nice to be part of a family again, instead of just a family tree in the woods?


I spoke briefly to a friend about this after dinner. Ya know, the dinner I was right about, where the kids, mainly Jonathan gagged over the idea of eating. Family is family no matter what. Some, I'd rather not interact with on the regular. Some, I wish I could see more of. And it's not that I'm far from home that keeps me from family. My immediate family is small. My extended family by marriage - the kids' family - is spread far and wide. It's not like going "home" will bring me closer to family. Home, my family, is here. Three we be, except when the Viking and his wife are able to come by (love you guys).  We have friends that are more family that family and for them, I am grateful.

But back to that feather for a moment. I carry it back to the house, and per Jonathan's suggestion, try looking it up in one of our bird books we keep by the kitchen window. I have no clue what it is, so I send pics to our friend Laurie, because I know she will know, and she does. Go figure. It's a woodpecker. Now I can't say it's the one I heard, or the one that's been drilling in that family tree, but how coincidental? I decide to walk the hill. I walk up the hill to the sound of a woodpecker. We see the evidence of a woodpecker going to town on that tree. I find a feather on my way down - which is the same way we went up - from a woodpecker that I've never seen before on the property.

 

 

Feathers apparently have a few meanings, and once again, I'm thankful for Laurie sharing a link with me that had a few symbolic meanings such as: freedom, inspiration, giving thanks and appreciation, and fertility.

The same page offers the following:

Possible Meanings Of Finding Feathers

• Get Grateful. Feathers are a reminder to count our blessings and be thankful for the good stuff going on in our lives.


• Get High. No, not like that. Feathers are a symbol of levity. When seen, they remind us ease up on all the seriousness. Take a breath, relax, enjoy.


• Get Listening. If feathers really are a communication tool to and from the gods, then their appearance is a reminder to listen to the bigger voice - as in a higher power.


• Get Love. Feathers often show up when there is someone or something that wants to reach out to us. Sometimes this might be a loved one who has passed into non-physical. A feather is a reminder you are loved by infinite people (both here on earth and otherwise).

Oh, I'm grateful alright. I start each morning with thanks and gratitude.
Oh, I try to relax. Like this weekend. Or those pics with the kids. Forget asking them to smile. Just act goofy with them - that gets the best and most real pictures.
Listening - I've been asking a lot of questions lately. I'm trying; I'm trying real hard to listen.
Love - yea. I've been reminded a lot recently of how many people love me, love me and the kids. I continue to remind the kids how important it is to love and how I love them. I've joked recently how I love me some me - someone has to! And a few of the 'lot of questions' might be related to love. Maybe I should go back to listening.

It's late. I still haven't wrote anything for my paper. But because I love me and know I have to relax, I'll be going to bed soon and will reflect not on the moments of tears today, but on all the good things today. The things that went well. The happiness in my kids eyes, the laughter in their voice, their ability to argue and make up. The freaking sugar high they had. That we woke up, we rejoiced  in the resurrection of our Lord, and spent time together. That we shared, that we loved, and that we will continue to give out the love we have to give. That we can visit the tree, and that it doesn't have to always bring sorrow, for we can be grateful for what we've had, hopeful for what's to come, and for the beauty of a feather - even if it's just a feather.

Be Ready To Learn

I could make this the shortest post ever and simply say, go see The Greatest Showman and be ready to learn everything you can from it. 

But that's not me.

Family Friday, we opted to go to the movies. Split decision between The Greatest Showman and Jumanji. Because Jumanji was sold out when we arrived, Showman it was.  

The kids and I have seen quite a few movies in the last year, especially in the last two months. Many kid movies have a hidden lesson and sometimes the kids pick up on them, sometimes they don't. Sometimes I'm a good mom and try to talk about a theme if they don't and well, sometimes, I don't. Once and a while, it's good to let a movie be a movie.

Last week we saw Ferdinand, and at the last line of the movie, I started crying. I wasn't expecting to leave The Greatest Showman and feel the way I did. I laughed and I cried.

I'm so damn emotional.

I went to the movies expecting to learn a little via dramatization about PT Barnum, the circus life, and watch Hugh Jackman. Jonathan sat down, ordered his pizza and waited begrudgingly, as he wanted to see Jumanji. Genevieve was excited, but I don't think she really knew why. When we left, Jonathan was impressed and agreed it was a good movie. When I told him Barnum was Wolverine, his mind was blown. Genevieve kept asking if we could buy it, and when we could see it again. I literally couldn't wait to get home to buy the soundtrack; it was downloaded before we were on our street.

Most of our way home we talked about what we could learn from the movie. We didn't discuss business practices or animal cruelty in depth. We discussed basic human rights and to love and respect all people.

We talked about how sure, Barnum was in to earn a dollar because the circus performers were different, but in the end, they were a family. That their uniqueness made them special. That people came to see them and in the end, were entertained and appreciated them. That the kindness of a disfigured woman helped inspire Barnum to employ these people.

We talked about how it is important to treat everyone we meet with respect. That it doesn't matter what size you are, what you look like, or how much money you have, what matters is how you treat other people. We talked about what it feels like to be treated differently and how it hurts. We honored the fact that sure, sometimes it may be hard not to stare at someone that looks different, but we should try not to - and just because they look different, doesn't mean we should be rude or disrespectful. 

We talked about how it is important to help all people. That being kind, friendly, and giving isn't just for holidays or when you have more than enough. That sharing and giving to people who need it more than you is important.

We talked about how family is important. Whether it be the family you create and are born into, or the family you choose, like the circus performers. That when you are kind and loving, you will always have support.

We talked about the protesters and why they weren't happy. How times were different then and in some ways not so different now. We talked about why Philip and Anne were hesitant at times with their relationship because of how people looked at them because of the difference in the color of their skin. I shared with them a recent example where one of our friends was concerned about the same scenario. The kids were shocked that it was even a concern and happy to hear that in the end, there was no issue. I told them how lucky we are that don't always have to be worried about what people think about us because of the color of our skin and they should never treat anyone different due to the color of theirs.

We talked at length, as we often do, that it is important to be who you are and to do the right thing. That just because someone is being a bully or mean, you don't have to be to. Stand up for the person being put down. Be kind to everyone we met. 

We talked about having dreams or goals and how with a little work and dedication you can achieve them. That when everything is handed to you and you don't have to work for things it is hard to appreciate what you have and that sometimes, you can't even find happiness. 

I think at one point I heard them reciting something close to their school pillars of character, so I added be ready to learn.

Be ready to learn. Learn who you are. Learn how to be a good person. Learn how to help others. Learn about other people so you don't have to be an ignorant fool. Embrace diversity and respect your peers. There is too much hate, darkness, and loneliness in this world. Be the light. Give others hope by being a decent human being to everyone. Is it really so hard?

We've been singing the songs all day. Songs about giving a chance on living life a different way, songs about being true to yourself, songs about dreams, and songs about love - a love that has no boundaries and is possible despite the odds - if given a chance. 

So much of what I've learned in the last year about myself was summed up in this movie if you take a moment to reflect. Be good. Be yourself. Love others. If we all just took a moment to be quiet and listen and learn from those around us rather than be quick to judge, where would we be?

Take a moment. Think about how you could have treated someone with more respect. How could you have given more of yourself to someone that needed it? How could you have changed someone's life if you only listened before acting? Where would you be if you didn't give up?

Think about those moments. Learn from them. Grow from them. Smile at someone that may not expect it. Befriend someone that has none. Don't be afraid to love. Give, even when you don't think you have anything to offer. You will be rewarded. I promise you.  

Go see The Greatest Showman, and be ready to learn everything you can from it. 

Be More Patient

A couple weeks ago, I was giving consideration to a year in review post, but I never sat down to do it. Then it occurred to me about a week ago that I haven't posted anything in while. As I thought about it, I realized that most of my posts happen when I'm in a particularly emotional spot, and it's not always a good one.

Welcome to today's post.

A year ago, I shared my thoughts on celebrity death and how reactions to these deaths compared to my grief process as related to Ghon. It seemed to resonate with a lot of people, getting plenty of comments here and on my Facebook page. Today though, it wasn't so much my post alone, but that a friend of mine had shared the post last year and quoted the following line:

With every end, there is a new beginning. As with every death; an end - there is life; a beginning. 

With every end, there is a new beginning. How fitting for a post at the end of the year?

2017 brought an end to the year of "firsts" in respect to grief and ushered in the year of seconds. And seconds can be just as bad, if not worse than firsts. The support isn't the same. People don't ask how you are doing or are maybe afraid to ask. Anniversaries and holidays come - and go - that doesn't change. Some were a little easier, some things sucked just as much, if not more than year one.

This time of year is hard. In six weeks, I get to deal with Ghon's birthday, Christmas, New Year's and my birthday. It's hard because these are things I always liked and Ghon always hated. OK, maybe he didn't hate drinking on NYE but I wasn't something I was into. He hated fanfare of birthdays, and I liked making a big deal of them. He was a self proclaimed horrible shopper for my birthday, some years forgetting it completely. He hated Christmas, ever since the holiday changed for him after his mom's death as a child. Christmas was exciting for me, even more so with kids, and not just from a Santa perspective, because he doesn't do much here. It's about the birth of Jesus and giving for me, and that's what I teach the kids.

It may sound like Ghon's feelings would make getting through the birthdays and holidays easier. In some ways, it does; but in others, it's harder. There is still a void even if it's a void of a negative energy. I try to fill it with positive energy, but there are still moments I get down. Despite living in a fictional world where I am Wonder Woman, I am but a mere mortal with overwhelming emotions.

This holiday season, the kids and I did less, but in many ways did more. Our decorations were minimal, the number of holiday themed activities we did greatly decreased, and we has less visitors. These changes are largely OK; perhaps I crammed too much in last year so that we couldn't think about the Ghon's death. Jonathan and Genevieve have grown so much in the past year - I let them help make the decisions on what we did and when. I gave them the chance to think about the impact of their choices and letting them lead the way on when to relax and when to go out.

Yet, we did more. We spent a little more time together. We spent more time giving to others. We remembered that the holidays are not about what you get, but what you give, especially to those without or those without expectation. We made new traditions and carried out or modified old. Never in my life would I think I'd be at the movie theater on Christmas Day - but this year, I was.

Life is about taking chances and making memories. Take the trip, eat the cake. No Ragrets!

2017 In Review

• Secured a mortgage in my name
• Drove to Connecticut so the kids could compete in a chili cook-off
• Watched my step-son get married
• Bought a car on my own
• Vacationed with the kids in New York City and a quick trip into Boston - and a LONG ride home.
• Had a one year memorial service for Ghon
• Re-homed our goats
• Saw more movies in the theater than probably the last 5 years combined
• Became a pig landlord
• Visited the White House for the Spring Garden Tour and two months later, toured the inside
• Went to at least eight concerts; seeing NKOTB, Paula Abdul, Boyz II Men, Volbeat, Metallica, Avenged Sevenfold, Andy Grammer, The Perceptionists, Janet Jackson, Taylor Swift, The Chainsmokers, Liam Payne, Demi Lovato, Fall Out Boy, Sam Smith, Ed Sheeran, Nial Horan and so many more... some with the kids, some with friends, and some all on my own.
• Got four new tattoos by 3 different artists in 3 states
• Had my first month long work deployment experience
• Made several new friends
• Took the kids to Reno, NV to compete in the ICS World Championship Chili Cook-off
• Did some serious Black Friday shopping for the first time in years
• Broke my cell phone; and its replacement within a week
• Shared my first ever bottle of wine with a friend
• Pulled off a surprise of damn-near epic proportions, to me at least
• Joined an exercise program I loved; left it to make schedule changes better for the kids, and joined a gym
• Donated a ton of stuff - PURGE!
• Watched fireworks in pure bliss
• Saw Kinky Boots on Broadway
• Crocheted again for the first time in years
• Read a few books
• Took a solo trip to NYC
• Walked the Brooklyn Bridge
• Hiked alone in Yosemite National Park
• Drank and listened to music at the Bucket of Blood Saloon (Virginia City, NV)
• Spread part of Ghon's ashes.
• Realized how much I need sunlight and the energy of a city

and I cried. Sometimes more than I like to admit. Sometimes for what seems like ridiculous reasons. Sometimes for what ended up being for no good reason at all. Sometimes because I could feel someone else's pain. Sometimes a movie or line in a book hit a nerve I didn't realize was weak. Sometimes, I had no idea why. Sometimes in the shower, sometimes while exercising, sometimes in my cubicle at work, sometimes after I said goodbye, sometimes as I went to sleep at night. And a few times, they were tears of joy. I'm looking forward to more of those tears.

With every end, there is a new beginning. 

This post started two days ago when I was feeling alittle down. Now, it's New Year's Day and I'm feeling OK. Perhaps even hopeful? At a minimum, I'm not really feeling down. Just spending the day cleaning up around the house, relaxing, writing, listening to music, and letting the kids rot their minds with video games. At least they are working on sharing and taking turns. 

I'm looking at possibly returning to school and am already working toward earning new certifications at work.  I'm going to continue to do more of what makes me happy. My mantra has become if it doesn't hurt me, the kids, or my bank account, I'm doing it. I've started by buying tickets to 3 different concerts. I'd love to be able to see one show a month. I'll start planning summer vacation soon - it's going to be a big trip. I will color more. I will forgive myself more. I will make less excuses. I have to get comfortable with down time - I am on the go too much.

I will continue to be positive; the light when others are in darkness; and allow myself to experience the dark - but not dwell in it. 

How fitting, that as I end this post, with the last image already chosen, I hear the following lyrics playing in the background...

If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, just let it be
So, won't you ride with me, ride with me?
See where this thing goes
If it's meant to be, it'll be, it'll be
Baby, if it's meant to be

Life will happen. The things that are meant to be, will be. I will live; I will learn; I will fail and I will succeed. I will be the light, I will feel the dark. But I won't get any of it if I I don't believe and be patient. As I shared with a friend recently, I know I was made for more; to do more, be more, give more. To be loved more. I just have to do some work, be me, and be more patient.

My beginning isn't defined by the year, but with every chance I take. And I'm looking forward to taking more chances this year.  Anyone want to join me on the ride? Don't be afraid to find your beginning. Live your life, make your happy happen.